There are risks and rewards no matter where you date women, but the stakes are always a bit higher when you date overseas.
If you succeed in finding a woman overseas the rewards could be immensely gratifying and last a lifetime. Similarly, if things go badly it can get ugly. You stand to lose a lot of invested time and money, not to mention emotional energy.
In international dating, as with any endeavor, chance plays a significant role in the eventual outcome. While you can't control other people or every circumstance, there is a factor that greatly effects your success than you can control: yourself.
In this post we look at 3 important questions you should ask yourself before you make the time and effort to date abroad.
1) Am I dating out of desperation?
In the international dating scene there is one type of person you always want to avoid: someone who's desperate. Maybe it's a socially awkward, frumpy, middle aged man who is running from his loneliness or social inadequacy.
Perhaps its an attractive single mother from Odessa who's focuses on simply getting by and putting some food on the table. Desperation affects men and women on both sides of international dating, and it's never a good thing.
In either case the person is not some much running toward dating as much as they're running away from an unpleasant condition in their personal life. For these people the objective is to get what (not who) they want. It doesn't matter as much who the other person is on the other side of the interaction or relationship, so much as that relationship fulfills their need. A relationship isn't an end. It's a means.
This is where international dating gets ugly. Desperation is at the root of most successful dating scams. If you find yourself running towards the idea of an international relationship because you're running away from something else, that should be a personal red flag.
I've referred to this video before, but it's a good example of the dark side of international dating
It's that sort of fear and neediness that feed PPL sites and professional daters. In this world there's scarcely a straight man who's single who wouldn't enjoy talking with or perhaps dating a beautiful and sincerely interested woman. The problem comes when you take the idea of a beautiful woman and project onto it the solution to whatever problem it is that you're running away form.
Be it low self-esteem, loneliness, stress, or feelings of inadequacy men in emotional peril often tac the label of "solution" onto things that give them pleasure. PLC sites know this and that's who they target. Fake letters ooze with poetic yet insincere declarations of love and affirmation, which desperate men latch onto.
In their minds the profile picture and the words in the letter combine to form a perfect woman who will be the answer to his problems. The fear of his problems heightens the attractiveness of the woman's profile/image in his head, and so he desperately starts chasing it.
I think he's getting at something...
In reality there's a professional letter writer or video chatter on the other end. Her/his words are the blades they use to financially gut the man and bleed him for all he's worth.
It's a sick game...the whole PPL scam.
In-country dating scams and classic romance scams work much the same way. They try to target the desperate and the delusional.
While dating without desperation won't prevent all scams, it will help you stay clear of the vast majority of them. In contrast, as it relates to scammers, dating out of desperation is like blood in the water.
I'm not a psychiatrist or counselor, but I am saying that maybe you should make an effort to be honest with yourself about why you're looking for a relationship and why you're looking overseas. If it's fear or pain that compels you to look abroad you might want to rethink your motives; lest you get hurt, hurt someone else, get scammed, or all three.
2) Am I the man the woman I'm looking for, is looking for?
When it comes to expectations in a relationship any value or principle you place on your ideal woman automatically reflects back on you. Do you want a feminine woman? You better make sure you're a masculine man. Do you want a lady who's healthy, fit, and takes care of her body? You might also want to be healthy and fit. Do you want someone with traditional family values? Then you ought to be a man a woman can trust to lead a family.
Just because you cross an international border in your search for a serious relationship doesn't mean that the facts of life go out the window. Beauty, money, success, life style, life values...these come into play whether you're dating in New York, Kiev, or Manila.
Guys get into trouble when they have high expectations for a their ideal woman, but then don't place any on themselves. That's when you get men like Bobby:
It's not hard to see the disparity between Bobby's lifestyle and the ideal he uses for finding a woman. They're not compatible. He's older, overweight, and doesn't seem to have much of a social life or any ambition.
I suppose he's "nice", but he seems like a man with little to no direction in his life. What are the odds a twenty-something year old Angelina Jolie look alike is going to fall madly in love with him through writing letters on the internet?
It just doesn't add up.
If he persists to pursue his ideal woman without actually taking a look at himself he'll continue to throw thousands of dollars out the window on romance tours and PPL scams.
She brings up some great points: a trophy wife will want a trophy life
Here's a good exercise to do before you start looking for a serious relationship:
Write down the main characteristics of the kind of woman you want to be in a relationship with. What are her values? Character traits? Physical appearance? What lifestyle choices does she make?
Once you have the list it's time to make a second one. Ask yourself this, "What kind of man would a woman like this be attracted to?". List the values, lifestyle choices, etc.
Now measure yourself and your life to the second list. If they match up, great. If they don't then you have to change something, either in your life or in the list of expectations you have for a woman.
In your search for a serious relationship, before you ask yourself what you want a woman to bring to your life; you should take a hard look at yourself and ask what you're able to bring to hers.
I'd argue that doing anything less is being more a boy and less a man.
3) Do I live a life I'm excited to share with someone else?
Women are drawn to men with direction and motion in their life, especially women who are more traditional. Odds are that a sincere woman overseas is going to what to know what you're about. That is, what you want in life and how you plan to maintain or get it. If she's interested in you she'll want to test the waters and try to picture what her life would be like at your side.
What is your life like on a daily or weekly basis? Do you have meaningful relationships with family and friends? Do you have healthy and enjoyable hobbies? Is your work life boring, enjoyable, or maybe too demanding?
You don't need to have a perfect life, but you should make an honest effort to build your life in such a way that it brings you satisfaction. If you don't generally enjoy your day to day life, is a woman really going to want to be with you to share in your unhappiness?
Probably not. Take the same initiative it takes to date overseas and apply it to the other spheres of your life. Live such a life that the right woman will be delighted to join in.
It's often said that out of all the thousands of men who sign up on international dating sites each year, only about 5% actually ever go overseas. That's because it's a lot easier to stay at home and fantasize about dating international women then it is to actually do it.
If you're on this site there's a good chance you are or will soon be part of that 5%. I commend you because it takes courage and a good deal of hard work. Now take that same courage and tenacity and do some honest soul searching before you step on a plane.
Both you and the women you'll meet will be glad you did.